Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” And I do enjoy living. I imagine you do, too.
To that end, I’m taking you with me on an appointment of a delicate nature.
That’s right. My yearly EXAM.
Because this is about life, my friends.
And I want you to be worthy, too.
The Well-Examined Life. (A Timeline.)
8:30- 9:00 – Complete more thorough prep-work for gynecological appointment than for most recent date night.
9:01 – Feel guilty about date night unpreparedness.
9:20 – Enter office of favorite doctor for routine check-up. Wonder when vagina-baring became routine.
9:23 – Present insurance card. Am told to relax. Wonder when relaxation during vagina-baring became an option. Remember importance of worthy-living. Decide to work hard at relaxing.
9:25 – Sit in armchair reading People magazine. Refrain from spitting on celebrity whose Secret to Staying Sexy is “reading all the time.” Wonder if Socrates did Pilates in Ancient Greece.
9:30 – Am reminded to “empty bladder” in patient bathroom. Am directed to skip urine sample.
9:31 – Feel grateful for skippage.
9:33 – Discover giant plunger next to toilet. Wonder who saves plunge-worthy business for favorite doctor’s office. Avoid plunger.
9:35 – Wash hands while reading instructions for urine sample.
– Begin to urinate
– Stop flow for cup placement
– Complete urination in cup
– Label cup: Last name, first
– Place cup on collection shelf.
9:37 – Avoid collection shelf. Wonder who can “stop flow” once it starts. Decide “reading all the time” helps.
9:40 – Reunited with People. Learn Beyonce lost 50 pounds post-pregnancy. Wonder if Jessica Simpson found them.
9:41 – Feel guilty about Jessica Simpson joke. Decide Beyonce can stop urine flow.
9:45 – Am called to exam room and told to “undress completely.” Manage disappointment regarding no-socks policy.
9:47 – Lay clothes out under framed needlework: Loving is the Best Part of Living. Wonder if Socrates knew this. And if he felt sexy from “reading all the time.”
9:50 – Nurse takes blood pressure. Higher than normal. Attributed to nakedness under mauve sheet. Wonder when best part of living begins.
9:55 – Enter favorite doctor. Need to pee but can’t. Become not-relaxed.
9:57 – Make small talk. Am told to move closer. Closer. Closer. And relax.
10:00 – The usual.
10:15 – Am asked if I have any concerns. About vagina? About anything. Consider mentioning plunger in restroom. Instead say, No.
10:15 – Receive prescription for mammogram. Realize early-screening would not have helped Socrates. Decide life must have been harder in 399 B.C. and also easier.
10:20 – Dress completely under framed needlepoint: The world is full of beauty when your heart is full of love. Wonder what Beyonce is full of. Also Jessica Simpson.
10:21 – Feel guilty about celebrity snark.
10:22 – Address co-pay. Discover well-examined lives cost $30.00. Feel grateful for health insurance.
10:23 – Feel sorry for those without.
10:25 – Realize much about life needs examining. But perhaps not plungers, pregnancy-weight and Pilates.
10:30 – Recall Socrates also said, “As for me, all I know is that I know nothing.”
10:31 – Have much in common with Socrates.
No needlepoint skills, but a heart full of love. And an empty bladder.
Yes, this is worthy-living, my friends.