Today call me Brazilian.

Today call me Brazilian; or at least I want to be. And I’m not referring to a change in nationality or even a visit to South America. I’m talking about the possibility of a total below-the-border deforestation.

Yes, to keep life interesting, I’ve been on the hunt for a “Hooray! It’s Summer!” experiment. And since you all seemed split on the Botox, I came up with something perhaps less controversial.

(but still expensive, painful and temporary. because hooray it’s summer.)

I figure waxing can’t possibly be as disastrous as, let’s say, accidentally bleaching your nether-regions neon yellow before a camping trip where you’re forced to take communal showers with your boyfriend’s mother and sisters for eight days.

Because THAT would be awkward. I’m guessing.

(So thank you, God’s of Clairol for not letting something like that happen to me. Twice.)

In any case, I’ve had more than twenty years to heal from any peroxide-based mishaps I may or may not have inflicted upon myself.

I’ve also had over a decade to live down the night of December 31st, 1999; when I may or may not have decided to buy my first pair of thong underwear and get friendly with my Lady Schick. You know. In case Y2K turned out to be real and New Year’s Eve was, let’s say, it.

I asked myself, “Y not?”

I got my answer later that night after putting the kids to bed. There was wine. Maybe a fireplace. And oh yeah there was me. I was prepared for my husband to be surprised. I mean, after all. Thong underwear?

Helter Skelter.

Still, I was unprepared to discover I appeared more prepubescent than provocative.

“You look young,” he said. “And not in a good way.”

Then he may or may not have considered blinding himself like, let’s say, good old Oedipus.

(To make matters worse, not one of our computers froze up and the world didn’t end and we had all this bottled water and too many cans of baked beans in the garage.)

Nevertheless.

These stories took place long ago (especially Oedipus); and I’ve since been informed by those in the know (an underused adjectival phrase due to obnoxiousness) that many young women of today (as opposed to, let’s say, ancient Greece) prefer to be totally unadorned; and to that end these ladies seek grooming statuses like “The Hollywood” which implies complete bareness; or “The Landing Strip” which I imagine refers to the joy one feels when her plane arrives safely at the airport instead of, let’s say, bursting into flames.

But still.

As with all good things, there’s a rub. So to speak.

And with regards to The Brazilian, my rub is this:

I Googled it.

And then my eyes watered over words and phrases and complete sentences like the following:

…ingrown hairs…regular exfoliation…glycolic acid scrub…hard wax can be less painful…take two Advil…rip…scream…repeat every two weeks…and (my personal favorite) you may be asked to hold the skin taut…

Oh, Holy Hair Follicle.

I take two Advil every morning Just Because. If there’s ripping, screaming, or taut-skin holding? Mama’s gonna need an epidural.

Still. I can’t help wondering about these hairless young ladies of today. Are they really so very strong? I must admit, nothing about Paris Hilton strikes me as “built for the suffering.”

At all.

So this is where you come in, my (hopefully immodest) friends:

To wax or not to wax? That is the question.

I need some feedback and advice; maybe a swift kick in the arse;

And potentially a few prescription painkillers.

95 thoughts on “Today call me Brazilian.

  1. I don’t get wanting to look like an 11 year-old girl. It’s icky.

    However.

    If you DID go Brazilian, then you could totally get all vajazzled! THAT would scream summer like nothing else!

    Also, the only Brazilian I’d get would involve the straightening of the hair. On my head. And how does
    one “accidentally” bleach one’s, er, hair down there?

  2. Wax. The pain will make you feel alive.

    What price beauty?

    Althought I sort of draw the line at beauty that includes taking pain pills to get through it.

  3. I cannot advise because I’m a wax virgin. And, I too, have been contemplating. But holding skin taught? OMG! You might as well have said, “Stab that needle in your eyeballs.”

    Let me know, because I’m on the verge. Those Brazilians, they’re some crazy kids.

  4. Oh, Julie! Where to begin? I’m laughing at so.many.things.

    First, I’m against the Brazilian. Or rather, my husband is. Being a 5th grade teacher, he feels much the same way your husband does about baring it all. So, I just keep the lady garden trimmed nice and neat, as opposed to all-out hardscaping, and every body’s happy. Especially me.

    Secondly, the thought of taking week-long communal showers with my MIL and SIL makes me want to divorce my husband out of sheer necessity. I honestly can’t imagine anything worse. I must hear more of that story.

    I think your “hooray for summer” experiment should just be something small. Say, margaritas on the deck at 2pm instead of 5pm. You know… get a little crazy. But not a lot.

  5. I would say wax.

    Though I don’t have the guts to do it myself.

    Unless I get a baby at the end of it, I refuse to do anything that involves pain. (baby fever, much?)

    But I say, you wax. Then tell me if it’s worth it. Do it for the blog.

    🙂

  6. Be bold. Just do it.

  7. Holy Cow… Just say NO. I’ll wear a bathing suit with a skirt down to my knees before I subject myself to that kind of torture. Delivering three kids prairie-woman-style (actually Lamaze…), my va-jay-jay has been through enough. I’m going to treat it well, and hope it does the same for me.

  8. I don’t remember how I found your blog… but here I am!

    I was a competitive swimmer in high school and college. No one wanted to see curly hairs poking through the racing suit. We simply trimmed… with a beard and mustache trimmer. I still do in fact. Very neat. Very sexy. No chance of being mistake for a 9 yr old.

    Don’t do the wax. SO MUCH could go wrong. Just imagine blisters.

  9. It sounds scary. I would say, “don’t do it” but I had a tummy tuck, that sounded scary too. It was the best thing I ever did. (Other than making the monsters that lead to needing the tuck in the first place)

    A friend of mine did some sugar waxing thing at home. She found a recipe on the internet. No pain involved:)

  10. Having “different bits” than you, I’m not sure how much advice I can give you that you can actually use – but, well, I’m always up for talking about nether regions.

    When I started to get really into cycling, I had to take care of “the boys” on a regular basis. If I didn’t, cycling more than 50 miles was near impossible. Since I started running, well, that urgency has become more urgent.

    I heard that Kate Winslet has to wear a merkin whenever she does full-frontal nudity in a period piece where it wouldn’t make any sense for her to be “nude down there.” She’s been waxing & shaving so long that the hair just doesn’t grow in regularly, so she has to “fake it.” The only advice here is, if you decide to keep doing it for awhile, be prepared to make it last.

    I got bored in the shower one day and decided to go all “scorched earth” with the razor. Did you ever have braces? Because I remember, when I got my braces off, that I couldn’t keep my tongue from touching my teeth. The sensation was foreign and wonderful. When I first “took out the shrubs to make the tree look taller” *ahem*, I may have had a similar experience with my hands.

    Not that I was ever really shy about touching it, but where the hair was? Well, I didn’t do that often.

    Just, um, be prepared for some itching if you let it go for a few days.

  11. KLZ

    It’s an experience, for sure. If you’re looking for something to spice up your summer, this could be it. Although, your husband may not think it’s so spicy. So…I’m torn on how to advise you.

  12. First of all, Julie, can you send me your phone number because the whole world is starting to know everything about my body? How you get me to post this stuff, I have no idea. Seriously, I mean I could email you, but then your post count would be negatively impacted and you are probably out running anyway.

    Okay. Here goes: I would NOT opt for The Brazillian. They forgot to mention it kind of itches as it grows in, and they aren’t kidding about the in-grown hairs. Been there.

    That said (and I’m guessing you did not see this coming at all. Here it comes folks, it’s falling, dropping in from out of the sky: I would splurge for – drum-roll so as to further delay the suspense: laser hair removal.

    There, I’ve put it out there.

    Worth. Every. Penny.

    I have a lovely landing strip. I am neither bald nor forested. I am neither prepubescent nor a granola Bushwoman. And it is PERMANENT, so I never, ever have to worry about hair growth. I can ALWAYS get in a pool, without worry about overflow. Six sessions. 😉

  13. Julie

    Cheryl – Okay. The “accident” was the resulting color; not the act itself. I had purchased a WHITE bikini that grew quite sheer when wet; I’d been attempting to lessen the CONTRAST, so to speak. Not good. NOT good.

    Amanda – What price beauty, indeed. But feeling alive? Kind of overrated. Even Shakespeare said death is like sleep. And I could use me more of that!

    Joann – I have a friend with a high tolerance for pain. She said it was the worst. pain. ever. So I’m a little cowardly. I’ll let you know how it goes…After the narcotics wear off. p.s. Holding your own skin? Seriously???

    Kristin – They are not, mercifully, my in-laws. They were lovely people, but they saw the neon-yellow, so it had to end. As for showering in a giant room together? Well, camping is dirty. So.

    Alison – “Do it for the blog.” That’s what I was thinking. And also, I have always had baby fever but am not having any more children. So I come up with crap like this. Yes I do.

    Jessica – Just Do It. Can I get a Nike shirt on this theme? What would the swoosh look like?

  14. CDG

    Haven’t done the Brazilian… or god forbid the Hollywood, but having had things professionally tended to a time or two, I can say that I love a good bikini wax.

    But John’s right about the itching…

    I feel that the definitive blog here is Kit’s Brazilian series from last summer on Blogging Dangerously.

  15. I wax, but I don’t do the full Brazilian. Because I like looking like a woman and not a 10 year old. I’ve never had a problem with in-growns or anything; you just have to take care of the area!

  16. Julie

    Lisha – Delivering three kids “prairie style” deserves some Vajazzling, I think (don’t know what that is, but Cheryl mentioned it and now I’m intrigued…). But a bathing suit skirt down to your knees? Just say no.

    Twinisms – Sugar waxing? Sounds delicious. Seriously. I might do that one just for fun. With some margaritas. Yes.

    John – Scorched earth? I’m dying. Absolutely dying.Totally worth the embarrassment of posting this just to read your description of your own travails with the boys…Thank you. Made. My. Day.

    KLZ – My husband likes margaritas. That doesn’t have anything to do with waxing, but it makes him happy. So. Tequila is the summer experiment that never fails…

    Renee – Can I do laser and still pay for my kids to go to college? I’m not saying my kids HAVE to go to college. There’s always the NBA. And Vegas.

    CDG – Now I have to find Kit’s series in her archives. A SERIES? Seriously? That might be more intimidating that holding my own skin taut. Or itching. Because I’m the type that would have to still scratch in public.

  17. Julie

    Erica –

    Glad you found the blog. Sad about the image of blisters I now have in my head. In a place where I do not want blisters. And you were a competitive swimmer? In high school AND college? I’m also now very impressed. Because I was pretty much a competitive sleeper. Which, as you know, is not as tiring. Or impressive.

    Mrs. MidAtlantic – “Taking care of the area” sounds like a lot of work. So perhaps I should introduce myself.

    Hello, Mrs. MidAtlantic. It is I, Julie. The world’s laziest person. Nice to meet you. Alright, now. Carry on. But don’t overdo it.

  18. I agree with some of the comments up there. I wax, but not Brazilian. There is something creepily pedophile-like about a bunch of mature women running around looking 10 down there. And frankly, the older you get, the looser skin gets, and that just ain’t a pretty sight. And then there’s the itching and ingrowns… ugh. Now cleaning up the sidelines with some good quality waxing and taking the trimmers to what’s left – there’s something to be said for that.

  19. Heather

    OMG Julie! thanks for the morning laugh. I would comment on my past waxing experiences but my family reads your blog and I don’t think I could look them in the eye if I divulged my waxing stories. I’ll just say, I USED to go brazilian. Stress on the USED. Be wary of wear you go, if you decide to go ahead with the deforestation. Definitely go somewhere referred by a friend. And be aware you may have to get down on all fours! I bet they didn’t mention that on the spa “menu.”

  20. I have never waxed my bits, but I regularly wax my brows. While I am “used to” that pain? I cannot IMAGINE it on my lady bits.

    A razor. That is what I use. Or I trim up SUPER short with a scissors. The hubs is a fan. I still look like a grown up, but now wild bush in the way.

  21. Peroxide, huh? Honestly, that never even occurred to me as a possibility. I am, of course, Latin. So it probably would appear quite…unnatural on me.

    I don’t have a problem with waxing. Any kind really. It’s the removal of the wax that hurts.

  22. Julie

    Ally – I’m told the “pedophilia look” is what all the young kids are doing these days. But I guess, since I’m un-young (I like that word better than old) I suppose I’m off the hook. I’ll just take a blue margarita, thanks.

    Katie – I WOULD wax my brows. Maybe. But I don’t have enough. Due to an “unfortunate incident” with tweezers during a class I took with my sister in high school. It was called “The Turning Point” and it was for young ladies. Etiquette. Grooming. They stole my eyebrows (which never fully grew back after the VIGOROUS plucking). Ah, well. Saves on the waxing, I suppose.

    Carol – So you’re telling me the “hard wax” does NOT hurt less? Google is full of liars. Liars, I tell you! (p.s. The peroxide didn’t work on non-Latins either. “Unnatural” doesn’t begin to describe it…)

  23. As much as I’d love the results of the Brazilian? I’m 100% certain that I cannot handle the pain.
    You said it perfectly: “I take two Advil every morning Just Because. If there’s ripping, screaming, or taut-skin holding? Mama’s gonna need an epidural.”

    The most experimental that I get with summer is trying new fruity big girl drinks. 😉

  24. Julie

    Oh Nichole –

    I think you live close enough for me to reach you by car this evening.

    Fruity big girl drinks?

    Yes, please.

    (no Advil required.)

    XO

  25. Eric C

    I think every man “experiments” down there at some point. Why? It must be instinctive because everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has done it once. Who is this John? Is he single? He’s the non-cousin that speaks our language.

  26. Julie

    Eric –

    It must be like Pandora’s Box. Or something.

    John isn’t single. He’s married with multiple kids (under the age of two…)

    So I have no idea how he has time for the scorched earth…

    I “met” him at another blog site where he was discussing his love for the book “Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal” by Christopher Moore.

    I had never heard of anyone else who’d read that book and (since I LOVE it) I followed him back to his blog. The rest is history. Or whatever.

    He’s hilarious. And uncensored. So I love him.

    and you. XO

  27. dale

    go for the shaver… amke it a joint effort… with spousal help ..

  28. hee heeeeeeee. I just knew this was going to be about waxing. I did that once. It’s not more painful than regular waxing, but regular waxing is pretty painful. Sometimes you bleed. Since they burned me on the thighs right before my wedding, I’ve decided to stick to shaving.

  29. Julie

    Dale – Did Bill put you up to this? Come on. You can tell me. What did he pay you???

    Lady Jennie – BLOOD? Google did NOT mention blood. And honeymoon thigh burns? also NOT good. Especially the way you got them. (did I just type that? oh no. my grandparents read this blog. but I suppose it’s already too late to shelter them. right?)

    Heather – Speaking of my grandparents, I just saw your comment now. I am occasionally horrified that our family members read this blog. Then I figure, they’ve known me for 42 years. Nothing can be that shocking anymore. (fingers crossed.)

  30. First of all….YAY for this post! I have been so scared to google the ‘brazilian’ but I have a friend who has actually scheduled an appointment for me. She swears it is the GREATEST thing in the world and that your husband will LOVE it. She says many other things about it as well, but I am terrified!

    I am still hoping you get more replies from people who have had it done…to ease my fears…

  31. Oh Julie. This post MADE MY DAY! And the comments, lets just say my love for John grows with every word he types.

    So, where to start. While it isn’t a service I enjoy regularly, it is well appreciated at the Mad house. Adonis is especially particular about having the backside well attended.

    OMG, did I really just type that?

    ANYWHOSIT, I did reserve some percocet for my next appointment and yes, holding myself it usually required. But the best esthetician I’ve ever met helped me time my breathing with the ripping. No percocet necessary. If only I could find her again!

    ALSO, yes, your girlie bits will be all ALIVE and AWAKENED after a Brazilian, and I’ll tell you, its a little disturbing.

    And the backside stuff (OMG, here I GO AGAIN)…WAY MORE uncomfortable asking for it than actually receiving it.

    And I’m ONLY talking about waxing.

    Maybe.

  32. liz

    I’ve had a handful of bikini waxes, but never a Brazilian. Beside the fact that I don’t have the desire for on, I cannot imagine what it would be like when the hair grows back in.

    But, yes, they can and do ask to hold your skin taut before pulling.

    Fun times, eh?

  33. Cindy

    Because I grew up in California and spent a lot of time in a swimsuit, (not sure wax was around back then). I started with the razor and scissors and have just been doing it as part of the once a week or twice a week shave routine. One of my more exciting moments was “growing it out” one winter, just because I had not been au natural in so many years. Hated it.

  34. Abby

    Julie…

    LMAO here! If I lived nearby, I’d go with you, as it’s something I’ve contemplated doing but haven’t yet worked up the courage to try. I now have to go visit the Athleta website to find a 2 piece suit that has boy short bottoms since all the others pretty much require one to get a Brazilian! LOL

  35. Holy hell, I love you!
    And, if I wasn’t already in need of a Depends when I read your post, then the comments would surely necessitate one. John’s alone had me crying.
    Anyhow, I have only waxed my brows and lip, which is completely and utterly necessary if I do not want to look like one of my hairy old Italian aunts whose moustaches used to tickle me when they kissed me. That said . . . waxing is stinking painful! I can not imagine inflicting that pain on my hoo-ha.
    You are a brave soul to even consider it.:)

  36. Julie

    Jenn – Nice to meet you. It’s not every day you’re introduced to someone based on a mutual interest in “landscaping” so to speak. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Stay tuned…

    Mad Woman – Sorry you were spammed. At first. Now I’m just happy you’re here. Being you. Saying the things you say. Which I just love. You rock my world, lady. XOXO

    Liz – I was thinking the same thing. About the bumps and the itch. NOT attractive. And yet all these women….(Have you ever seen Paris Hilton give a little scratch? I wonder…)

    Cindy – “Growing it out” does not sound like the good part. At all. Ha!

    Abby – I love Athleta. And boy short bottoms. I need to meet you in Colorado immediately.

  37. Di

    All I can say is that when people ask me if getting my tattoos hurt, my answer always is “a bikini wax is worse.”

  38. Julie

    Annie – SOOOO glad I found you over at Shell’s place. Because the feeling is mutual, my friend. You crack me up. As for the upper-lip waxing? I’ve never had it done. I’m blonde. But I’m also in my forties now. So I kind of fear that I should, but no one has had the guts to say anything. I imagine my friends getting together at cocktail parties and asking, “Who’s gonna tell her?” Yeah. I have time on my hands. Apparently.

    Di – I haven’t had a tattoo yet, either. Maybe I should start there. But not with a tattoo THERE. If you get my drift…

  39. AllyT

    OK, Laser is the way to go. I think. Well, it worked on my armpits. mostly. But to be honest, three years ago I put a deposit down to have my bikini area lasered and I still haven’t gotten up the nerve to do it. The pain from my under arms was like sticking a hot needle into the skin over and over and over. I wonder if that’s what a tatoo feels like?

  40. You always make me laugh. I’m with the commenter who said beard and mustache trimmer. That sounds rather, umm, fun, rather than painful. And the schoolgirl look?

    My advice to women everywhere about thongs: buy a size bigger than you normally wear.

  41. Julie

    Ally T – You are killing me. You put down a deposit? Come on. You’ve GOT to go through with it now… Then again, I haven’t gotten a tattoo either. So I can’t speak to the pain. But it is on my list of potential Summer Fun! Botox, Laser Hair Removal, Tattoos. What is it with me and needles?

    Leanne – As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t shop often. So my underwear always ends up a size-too-big. Like those parachutes the kids play with? That can fill up an entire field and house a kindergarten class?
    Yeah. Like that.

  42. I have to comment on Leanne’s comment as well….Here is my problem. We have a diving board. Not that I would ever buy a thong, but any bikini bottoms create a ‘problem’ when diving into the pool if even a tiny bit too big…

  43. oakslesy

    Great great entry. Google ‘The Hairpin’ and read Julie Vick’s entry, “Beauty School. Crotch Out.” Hahahahhaha

  44. Julie

    Yes, Jenn. I agree. Dressing our bottom halves is truly a tightrope walk. A balancing act. A matter of careful give and take.

    Or something like that.

    (it’s hard to hit that sweet spot between picking clothes from between your butt cheeks and losing your drawers after a dive.)

  45. RcktGrl

    I have not been near a razor in 10+ years as I was one of those folks who just had the knack for nics. Bleeding ankles or tender parts are awful. Waxing frequency varies a lot based on how fast your forest fills in. The first time hurts the worst, but if you go regularly, the pain is minimal. A weekly sugar or salt scrub in the shower cuts down on ingrown hairs and makes you feel great.

    First Rule of Waxing: get an awesome Esthetician. Ask girlfriends for recommendations on where to go and where to avoid. The right practitioner makes all the difference. I have followed mine through four locations.

  46. Julie

    Rocket Girl (just assuming RcktGrl was short for that…)

    Thanks for the advice.

    But seriously. FOUR locations?

    You sound more committed to your esthetician than I am to my kids.

    Almost. Maybe.

    (shhhhh.)

  47. RcktGrl

    Kids don’t have the chance to inflict pain on your lady bits **every** month.

  48. I waxed religiously for six years until I got pregnant with my first child and here is what I have to say about it:

    The first two (or sixteen) times hurts like hell. In a “I’m gonna bitch slap you if you touch my cooter on more time” kind of way.

    The hair does grow in thinner over time, but I found I got more ingrown hairs that I did with shaving.

    If your husband is adverse to thong underwear, then a hairless coochie might make his head spin and then blow up.

    Whatever you do, don’t attempt a DIY Brazillian wax. You will end up with a wax covered black and blue hoo ha. Not that I would know from personal experience or anything….

    Good luck!

  49. Julie

    Morgan –

    Okay, you got me with the SIXTEEN TIMES! Holy Cowsa, I’m not sure I could deal with that much pain.

    As for the thong, Bill likes those. It was the (shall we say) “girlishness” of the clean shave he was wary of…since we had a 5-month-old daughter at the time.

    But you needn’t worry about any attempts at a DIY Brazilian here. I learned my lesson messing with the hair coloring twenty years ago.

    I’d only rely on the kindness of strangers now.

    At least for the first two or sixteen times.

  50. I have experienced the Brazilian. and i have to say there is a little something about it, and hubs loves it. however…the pain is intense and the ingrowns are unpleasant. i am moving away from them (used to get them regularly) and sticking w/ trimming, etc. And I agree w/ all those who said the prepubescent look is out. LOL!

  51. Julie

    Erin –

    So you’re saying I’ve missed yet another trend, entirely?

    DANG it.

    That’s sort of the theme of my life.

    (although based on the comments about pain and ingrowns and upkeep and expense, maybe I’m lucky to be late to this party???)

    Just please don’t tell me my Justin Bieber haircut is outdated…

  52. ~~If I were going to wear a hot bathing suit…I would definitely WAX 🙂 Try it…You may Like it.

  53. This is absolutely hysterical. This mama would need an epidural, too. I’m not a brazilian but I can’t say my husband wouldn’t love it if I was. I can barely get my eyebrows waxed. Good luck if you do it!

  54. I laughed when I read that you take Advil every morning, just because! Although, if I may, I have a friend who gets these Brazilians done, and she has never had a problem…then again, this chick hikes when temperatures are below zero because she finds sweating for sissies….so yeah, maybe hold off…hilarious post though, i love the visual of your husband seeing your newly groomed hoo-ha…

  55. Julie

    Kim – I’m wondering if liking it would be a good thing…now that I’ve seen how costly it is to upkeep…and also the obligation to wear a hot bathing suit after. Not sure I’m prepared. Or the world. Or both.

    Elena – I’m with you. Pain is NOT. MY. THING. I’ve never pretended to have a high threshold. Kind of like I don’t go around claiming to be a good driver.

    My friends will say, “Just because I’m a woman, people think I suck at driving.” But I do. Just not because I’m a woman (although that might be why I’m a wimp with pain…)Where was I? Oh yeah. Can you drive me to my wax appointment?

    Sandra – I do not venture out of the HOUSE if the temperatures are below zero. Hell, I live in southern California. On purpose. But I do enjoy hiking. Rarely in a bathing suit, though. So really, who needs a wax job anyway. Right?

  56. Karen G

    Why go so drastic? Just get a normal bikini wax. Painful enough, but you’ll be in and out in minutes–still looking like an adult and swimsuit-ready. Holding the skin taut is not a big deal; I think it’s just meant to reduce the pain. (And don’t we want taut skin? And less pain?) I think you’ll get a kick out of the result.

  57. Would you be offended to know I laughed when I read the title of this post? Because well, I just *knew*. Good luck if you decide to do it.

    I attempted to give MYSELF a brazilian with that green goup they were hawking on TV in the 90s. There aren’t enough pain killers or vodka in North America that would convince me to do that again. I’ll stick to my Schick.

    P.S. Imagine my shock when I realized the TV marketers lied about how painless it was. But at least it was ALL NATURAL. And neon green.

  58. NannyK

    Three words: Laser Hair Removal!!

    You can scrape up the money somewhere. I would tell you to buy less wine. But who am I kidding? That would mean less for me to drink when I visit. So…take it out of the college fund. The kids can subsidize with jobs at La Petite Boulangerie!! 🙂

  59. kim

    So so funny. Miss you

  60. Julie

    Karen G – What if I let myself be waxed on “Paper View”…THAT could really be something 🙂

    Kari Marie – I refuse to believe that TV marketers lie. LA LA LA LA LA can’t hear you i have fingers in my ears. And the BEST all-natural things in life are neon green. Or is it that the best all-natural things are made of vodka? It’s one of those two. (Yay Schick!)

    Nanny K – Not everyone’s husband is nice enough to purchase Laser Hair Removal via Groupon. I do like the idea of dipping into the college fund so as not to impact the wine purchase. However, we already spent the college fund on wine.

    It’s like the Gift of the Magi. Or something like that…

    Kim – Miss you, too. So much.

  61. Jbutt

    I don’t even know what to say.

    You are so much braver than me. I. Whatever. And in so many ways.

  62. Julie

    Well, Jbutt –

    One woman’s “brave” is another woman’s “insanely stupid.” Or “self-destructive.”

    Or “prepubescent.”

    You know.

    The usual 😉

  63. I just do the line . . . not the whole enchilada. It hurts like CRAZY!!! I plan to laser the bikini line area when I’m done nursing and all the frantic hormones have settled down. It’s pricey and painful but at least not temporary!

  64. No.
    NO.
    NOOOOO.

    I’m with your husband – why the pressure to look prepubescent? It really freaks me out. I don’t get it at all.

    There are so many more fun summer options. Henna tattoos. Piercing. Feathering your hair like Farrah Fawcett.

  65. Julie

    Nina – Okay the laser is sounding more and more appealing…(plus, the permanence is nice, considering the investment). But I’m worried about paying for braces for my kids and car insurance when they drive and college if they don’t flunk out of high school and and and. So it’s hard to get my mind around spending money on myself. For anything.

    Suniverse – Funny you should mention a tattoo because that’s my third option for summer fun (besides the Botox and the Brazilian). I’ve been considering getting a tattoo. I’m in my forties and it would be inappropriate so maybe awesome. I don’t know.Why is everything so expensive? And painful? The tattoo, at least, doesn’t have to be repeated every few weeks/months….

  66. Okay. Just reading about it brought tears to my eyes. First of laughter then of pain.
    The whole ingrown hair possibilities is enought to keep me away. Yikes!!
    Good luck!

  67. i have no words. ok, two: neon yellow! ahem! but yeah, you should do it 🙂

  68. Holy cow! Dying your privates and then having the boyfriend’s sisters and mother see? Absolutely mortifying! (Sorry about that)

    There was a time when my ex had me shaving everything. I continued for a while after we split since it was a pain with the itchy grow back phase, but at some point I let it all go down there. Hubby doesn’t complain, but frankly, I’m not interested in lots of grooming in that area. (I tend toward a serious lazy streak myself.)

    Looking forward to an update on this particular subject. I’m curious as to how it will all play out….

  69. Julie

    Stef – Believe me. I’ve been crying ever since I posted this. For oh so many reasons. Laughter. Fear. Embarrassment. All the best ingredients to kick off the summer.

    OttosMom – Two words that pack a lot of punch. Indeed.

    Lois – Oh it was mortifying, for sure. And I didn’t have the heart to tell the poor lady, “It was your son’s idea!” (sucker. me. not her. or him.)

  70. I have contemplated the Brazilian briefly and then decided that the upkeep and maintenance was really too much for me to handle. I don’t really mind “professionals” getting personal with my hoo-ha, but the pain just seems so unnecessary.

    Found you from Annie at a Stone’s Throw from Insanity

  71. No pain, no gain unless today we call you…Chewbacca!

    Forget the wax. Get sugared! It’s sweet in a less painful way.

    Beth

  72. SuSu

    Hey Jules. I didn’t get to read all the comments but it may be safe to say, as the only true Brazilian to respond, I can say this …screw the Brazilian! I did it recently and NEVER AGAIN! Hey look, I can take a lot of pain when it’s something I want but maybe because I’m, you know, “South American”, as my husband once pointed out to you, it hurt “pra caramba”! (traslation: a crapload). I was praying for it to end before I would have to walk out with a half-Brazilian. Sweet Jesus, did it hurt. And, as many pointed out, it did not last. Oh! Not to mention the ingrowns… I never had acne on my face as a teenager and all of a sudden I had pimple-looking ingrowns on my v-jay! No thanks! So now we are back to clippers and razors that cost $46 for 16 at Costco, but you have to buy the good kind to treat your precious area kindly. There’s nothing wrong with a landing strip or a smll Dorito down there. I’ve had enough of this “younger generation”. Ugh. Let’s get together, have a glass of wine, discuss it further… And compare:) SuSu

  73. Julie

    Heather – Apparently “PAIN” is the issue here. Oh yeah and ingrowns. And the cost. And the repetitions. Yeah. I’m thinking I’m out…

    Beth – What is “getting sugared” and how have I missed it? Seriously. If this exists and my friends have been keeping it a secret, heads will roll…

    SuSu – YAY! I was hoping you’d respond to this post – I was laughing hard when I wrote “Today call me Brazilian” – thinking of you, La Bonita. I remember you saying how CRAZYpainful it was and thought maybe I’d hear some different opinions from other blog readers…but mostly, all I’ve heard is yeah. ouch. crap. So, clippers sound good to me. Drinking wine and comparing our landing strips/small doritos sounds even better. I think it’s why God invented Sunday, right? 🙂

  74. So here is the thing that I wonder – did we miss this waxing boat by a few years..because NO ONE in my circle EVER did this. We would just trim and tidy. BUT the girls now in their mid-30’s – like seem to feel the bush look is rather more suited for the well bush.

    This being said – here I am in my 40’s – a waxing virgin with no interest EVER to pop that cherry. Perhaps some day when I can’t lift my own leg up anymore to properly shave the hinterlands, that a waxing assistant would be nice – but by then I also hope I won’t be having sex or wearing a bikini anymore.

    So my vote is for a tattoo. I have three and WOULD LOVE another. I’ll come out and spot you and bring wine.
    xoxo,
    Tracy

  75. Julie

    Tracy –

    I think we did miss this boat because yeah. None of my friends waxed, either.

    Nor did we have our hair or makeup or nails professionallty done until our weddings.

    (and yet as a high school teacher, I saw my students regularly getting eyebrow/leg/bikini waxings and pedicures and make-up hair done for – like – a movie date. Do kids still go to the movies?)

    Anyway, I’m with you. I’m thinking tattoo in August.

    And also, “Hinterlands”?

    I’m dying. And using that word in my next post.

    For sure.

    XO

  76. Don’t bother w/the laser. 70’s bush is making a come back and then you will just need a merkin. Google that shit and get back to me.

  77. Julie

    Poppy –

    I just HEARD about the 70’s comeback. On some channel called HDNet that my husband made me watch last night.

    (I’d had a few drinks. I was game. but wow.)

    The merkin just seems like a bad idea.

    For the love of genitals can we not just be happy with what’s growing there?

    Must we manipulate it so?
    (that didn’t sound quite right but I think you get my point.)

    We’re either shaping it, getting rid of it, or (holy hell) adding a merkin to it???

    To me, that’s like wearing a bustle on my ass.
    (Not. Gonna. Happen.)

  78. Ouch. Just ouch. I’ll love you no matter what- but girlfriend, seriously- Ouch! XO

  79. Julie

    Galit – I know! After all these comments, I think just having “ouch” shaved onto me would be much less painful.

    And wouldn’t need to be repeated in two-6 weeks.

    XO

  80. Oh God I am rolling over here. This produced a giggle-fest of orgasmic proportions, so to speak. So funny.

    ‘Oh, Holy Hair Follicle.’ AND ‘Mama’s gonna need an epidural’. ROFL

  81. MommaKiss

    I’ve been bare for over a year now. 2 ibuprofen + wine is suggested. Also ensure if your 3 year old is with you, he can’t witness the screaming or he may think your esthetician friend is cutting off your “not penis”

  82. I giggle for the longest time after reading your posts. Today is no exception. I know someone who had firemen show up at the end of her waxing experience. Apparently something caught fire in the spa employee breakroom. . .or so they say. LOL

  83. Julie

    MommaKiss –

    I.Am.Dying over the image of your 3-year-old worrying about your “not penis.” Your waxing budget may have to also cover his future therapy sessions!

    Donna –

    I’m glad to get you giggling. But now I’m afraid of pyrotechnics in the spa employee break room…and also curious. But mostly afraid. I’m going to need someone to come with me and hold my hand. Or feed me wine. Or both.

  84. Oh LOVE that you take 2 Advil just because.

    I say get your husband’s initials waxed down there.

  85. Oh, Julie, I love how you just bust these posts out and talk about peroxiding your nether-regions. Love it. And what I love even more? The comments.

    But on to the task at hand. Yes, I say go for it. Not all of it mind you (see “husband’s opinion of totally bare”), but you will LOVE IT. I won’t lie, the first time is a doozy. After a couple of months, it’s fine. Pay up and go to some place legit, google it, yelp it, whatever – get all the opinions you can. Quality of wax is important. And yes, hold the goddamn skin taut and breathe out. You will question your very intelligence as a woman, but afterwards? The result? I vowed I would never do it again, and here I am ten years later.

    Once you wax, lady, you don’t go back. And bring a friend! To wait outside of course. For drinks afterwards. ONWARD! WAX ON! WAX OFF!

  86. Julie

    France – My husband officially loves you now. Just warning you.

    Chalupa – Okay, now. Just when I think I’ve decided it’s a big fat “no” someone comes along (not naming any names but it’s you) and makes me start to doubt my decision. Now I’m channeling the karate kid and thinking that I have at least one or two friends who’d be willing to share an afterpain drink with me. Maybe even a beforepain drink. And I’m tempted again.

    DANG it.

  87. I really have nothing to add to this. Just sort of shellshocked.

    Will say, though, that in college one night we made up a drinking game where the loser had to drink or shave a body part. Let’s just say that eventually, not only was it a sausage party, it was a hairless sausage party. And, yes, it itches like crazy when it grows back.

  88. Julie

    Chase –

    Shell-shocked will do just fine. It can’t compete with a hairless sausage party, but I’ll take it.

    (not the party. the shock. i’m allergic to itching. or something like that.)

  89. Well, you won’t get a pubic lice if you’re bald down there so, hey, that’s a plus. I think you should think about nipple piercings.

  90. Okay, maybe a little too much information. I will stick with my fuzzy naughty parts. I’m almost 50, who am I trying to impress.

  91. I soon as I saw your post title, I knew.

    You and your comments did not disappoint, and have now kept me up past my bedtime as giggles wracked my body.

    I have no advice to give you about “waxing where a penis failed to grow”.

    Only….

    I hate pain.

    And one you resign yourself to do constantly? Just seems very wrong.

    And if it’s a single “what the hell?” moment? It will itch… BAD.

    If you really want to join the deforestation movement, I’d say go for permanent and do the laser (perhaps you can set up a “donate” button on your site) or dip the toes in and try some trimming.

    And if you do go for it, make sure they have the epidural person handy…

  92. Julie

    Tonya – Gotta hand it to you, lady; No more pubic lice is a Pro nobody else came up with. Consider the negotiations officially back on the table.

    Mrs. Tuna – Hey…I think Fuzzy, Naughty and Fifty should be the new mantra of our generation.(something to aspire to whilst we languish in our forties, right?)

    Kelly – I am DYING. Waxing where a penis failed to grow….ha! Can you imagine explaining that to the Tackler? You handle him. I’ll handle the PayPal account I’m setting up for donations. I’m a sucker for a worthy cause.

  93. Oh, I would most certainly do the Botox over the waxing…but that’s just me, chicken-shit woman.

    But the idea of being all de-forested is appealing, and not in a prepubescent creepy way.

  94. “Holy Hair Follicle” made me laugh out loud, spitting my tea everywhere.

    Thank you.

  95. I haven’t had a wax in a few years now, but I used to get ’em for breakfast. I didn’t think it was that painful. Not like Sally Hansen. That bitch takes some epidermis and your soul.

    I’m still more interested in Botox though. I thought we’d agreed you’d be the front runner between us on this one.

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